SHAME TRXNNYFESTO ~ FLORID ONOMATOPOEIA 

diary entries and responses to shame

winks and kisses to numerous artists, philosophers, activists that inspire me to find my own language, forms of expression and location on this planet.

MOTIVATION

— I´M A FIERCE AND FEARLESS trans FEMININE FELINE, 

THIS IS A PROPOSAL FOR A SOCIETY THAT CELEBRATES A UNIVERSE OF EMOTIONS WITHOUT FEAR OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION

 

GUILT, SHAME, DISGUST, PAIN, LOSS, GRIEF, ABANDONMENT

 

REFERENCES

John Waters x Divine — Pink Flamingos, Cecil B. Demented 

Florence Foster Jenkins and her confidence to sing loud in front of people who laugh at ha

Contrapoints — YouTube video pieces on shame, cringe, cancel culture

Oozing Gloop — green non binary reptile femme that broke her both arms and needs financial aid thru paypal: oozing.gloop.goddess@gmail.com

 

QUOTEZ

— “YOU DO A LOT OF REGRETFUL THINGS THAT I APPRECIATE.”

 

— “You should run your own dance program.”

 

— “we are many, our numbers are growing, we have siblings everywhere”

 

— “I FIGHT AGAINST VIOLENCE. I PRIDE MYSELF IN TAKING A PUNCH AND I GLADLY ANOTHER, BECAUSE I CHOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN THE COMPANY OF AHURA MAZDA AND BELL HOOKS. MY CONCERNS ARE GLOBAL. I ABSOLUTELY REJECT REVENGE, AND RETALIATION. THE FOUNDATION OF SUCH A METHOD IS LOVE. I LOVE YOU.”

 

CELEBRAYZION OF SHAME

    suddenly you are taken over by your instincts, to scratch your scalp, it’s so itchy. You feel a slight sting, razor sharp.

you can not control it but you can direct it. You need the satisfaction of scratch. The pleasure is undeniable. 

This moment is so precious, life affirming and you can not tell anybody else what you just did. You know that every action has consequences. Right here, your consequences are small white flakes falling from scalp to your shoulders. Nesting on your black cotton shirt. Cold evidence for the crimes you commit against the purity of a black t-shirt and the seemingly countless crimes your scalp commits for producing itchy skin that is also flakey and sometimes bloody. But you scratch on.

You fear that somebody will find out and will judge you for your unusual behaviour  

    // you are questioning your own morals, you learnt to say yes to the water and bread — and no to the joint or dick in your mouth.Yet you regularly find yourself in durational fisty chem sex sessions wearing a gas mask with a dispensorial for your Kosher Pig poppers and four older looking gentlemen in the darkroom of a raunchy, pissy sex club at 3am, wondering if you had drunken enough water that day. 

    You regret that session slightly when you come home to find out you have bleeding haemorrhoids in your butt. 
You could only talk about it with Raoni because nobody else is emotionally or spiritually connected to their anus.
It is difficult to introduce bruised anal veins in your everyday conversation, because the ~bussy~ attracts taboos; taboos restrict communication; restriction creates power dynamics and often abandonment.

    // the sense of belonging fades when the desire deviates from what psychoanalysts and other cooney rascals call normal,

since peoples’ natures will let you know that they believe in this medical vocabulary of separation. You are conditioned to know your place of psychological sanity and you are supposed to notice, once you step outside that box.

    Individualistic societies train you to do everything by yourself that needs to be done in your world. 

European aka imperialist western societies are built from exploitive economies, hierarchal class system, a market that supports large disparities between the filthy rich people and the people dying in their filth that they were classified to be in.

    You have erectile dysfunction from obsessing over judgement towards your own shape or your desire so much, that you can’t have enjoyable sex anymore, because you feel insecure that your body is not working how it should be. 

Even if your partners agree, that a hard dick is ~not all~ good sex makes you feel ashamed of not performing up to the standard that is taught in most sexual health classes in public schools and on pornhub.com/gay

You feel isolated and abandoned because the narrative of soft dicks having pleasurable sex has not been written yet, since Viagra, Kamagra etc are still billion Euro heavy businesses in the market that praises the jolly jumping procriative hard-on and shames the small, flaccid dicky. 

 

    POLITICS OF SHAME CONTINUE TO ROAM WITH A HEAVY GENDER BIAS

LIVING BETWEEN TOXIC HETERO AND HOMO-NORMATIVE MASCULINITZ WITHOUT SPACE FOR MEN TO BE VULNERABLE OR BAD ENDOWED

AND WHITE SUPREMACIST CIS SEXISM THAT PROHIBITS BLACK AND BROWN WOMEN FROM EXPRESSING THEIR JOY, LAUGHTER, GRIEF OR DISGUST IN THEIR OWN AND/OR TRADITIONAL WAY.

    

    WHO GETS TO TALK, WHO´S TELLING THE TALES OF THE CRYING LITTLE GIRL AND WHO´S THE EMOTIONALLY UNDERDEVELOPED BOY? 

THE VIOLENCE THAT LIES IN MOST EUROPEAN LANGUAGES, DER TISCH IST DER TISCH, THE TABLE IS A GUY, EVEN THO HE DOESN´T HAVE VISIBLE TYPICAL HUMAN SECONDARY SEX PARTZ. A BINARY SYSTEM THAT SUPPORTS SEPARATION AND BLACK-AND-WHITE NARRATIVES AND A SYSTEM THAT FOSTERS NURTURING SOIL FOR ANYBODY TO INTRODUCE POWER DYNAMICS AND HIERARCHIES OF WHO´S SCAPEGOATED, PUBLICLY HUMILIATED LIKE IN MIDEVEAL TIMES AND WHO´S YET ANOTHER HATCHET MAN WITH AN UNDERDEVELOPED SENSE OF HUMAN DECENCY AND A LOT OF SOCIO- ECONOMICAL IMPERIALIST POWER.

EMPATHY AS A PRACTICE OF RECOGNISING EACH OTHER AS EQUAL HUMANS DID NOT GET A SEAT AT THE WHITE SUPREMACY TABLE.

 

ECONOMICAL/ECOLOGICAL DRAG, ANTI CONSUMERIST DRAG, aka A QUEEN ON A BUDGET aka BROKE WITH EXPENSIVE TASTE — NO MONETARILY ACQUIRED MAKE UP, WIGS OR COSTUMES. I RECYCLE REUSE RIHANNA MY OLD CLOTHES THROUGH BLEACH AND THE MAKE UP I GET FROM MY SISTERS OR SNACK FROM SHOPS. NO SHAME IN TAKING BACK AND REDISTRIBUTING WEALTH. I´M ONLY TAKING BACK WHAT WAS NEVER NOT MINE TO ACCESS.

 

MY BPD INFUSED ABILITY TO IMAGINE MY BODY AND SOUL TRANSFORMING TO NON-HUMAN ENTITIES, 

 

ECOLOGICAL AWARENESS TO AMPHIBIAS, PIGS, DRAGONS, BEES, LOBSTERS THEIR GENOCIDE BY THE HUMAN HAND AND THEIR ARMED REVOLUTION TO TAKE BACK THEIR MOTHERLAND AND EVENTUALLY SUCCESSFULLY EXTERMINATE THEIR OWN EXISTENCE.

 

    THE HUMAN BODY IS SO FRAGILE AND LIMITED, I WANT A BIONIC TAIL AS AN EXTRA LIMB. 

                                                                                                           FOR BALANCE, PRACTICALITY AND FOR LOOKS. 

IT COMES NATURAL TO THE MODERN IRANIAN WOMAN, THAT I AM, WHO HAS LIVED AS NEITHER GOY NOR GAL BUT THROUGH CULTURES THAT CHERISH THE CAPACIOUS IMAGINATION, AND PRACTICE OF POETRY AND MYSTHICISM, TO FANTASIZE ABOUT EXTREME BODY MODIFICATION, ASSIGNING SURGERIES AND POST-HUMAN PROPS TO ADD TO THE EXISTING BODY AND BEYOND.

 

    THE SPACE THAT I DIRECT, THE SPACE THAT I TAKE UP

RECOGNIZZION X RIDICULIZATION OF HETERO CIS-SEXIST GENDER NORMS, MY INTERNALIZED SELF HATE OF ANYTHING MASCULINE, HOSTING A SPACE, ENFORCING UNPLEASANT // ODIOUS EXPERIENCES FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF NOT SUFFERING FROM RECURRING INJUST VIOLENCE TARGETTING THEIR AND THEIR FAMILIES COMMUNITIES. 

WIR FAHREN DURCH DEINEN BLOCK UND ÜBEN SELBST-JUSTIZ. aka WE´RE RIDING THROUGH YOUR HOOD AND PRACTICE SELF JUSTICE. AS LONG AS I CAN NOT DESTROY THE OPPRESSIVE SUPREMACIST STRUCTURES AROUND THE MAJORITY OF QUEER AND TRANS AND BLACK FOLK OF COLOR INDEFINITELY, I WILL USE THE SPACE AND POWER THAT I DO HAVE THAT I FOUGHT FOR. I USE THIS SPACE TO REPOSE, REVERSE AND REPROPOSE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

THE HETEROSEXUAL WHITE CIS FOLK IS ONLY MY TARGET AUDIENCE BECAUSE I´M TAKING THEM TO THE DIMENSION WHERE I PAINT THE PICTURES, WRITE THE NARRATIVES AND DISTRIBUTE POWER. AN ABILITY THAT IS HIGHLY UNACHIEVABLE FOR ME IRL BUT THANKS TO THE SUPER SPECIAL SECRET WEAPON CALLED TRANS AND CAMP VERY REALISTIQUE. 

THE POWER OF THEATER. 

I WILL MAKE U MY BITXH, SPIT BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH, AS AN ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION OF THE HARM OF CONSTANTLY BEING EXPOSED TO MICRO AGRESSIONS, AND TOXIC SOCIAL SITUATIONS AS A QUEER AND TRANS ARTIST OF COLOR LIVING AND WORKING IN CONSUMERIST WHITE EUROPA.

I COULD ALSO DO AN INTERPRETATIVE DANCE À LA PINA BAUSCH, SINCE THAT ALIGNS MORE WITH THE TITLE OF MY UPCOMING ACADEMIC MILESTONE. BUT SPITTING BLOOD FILLS ME WITH CONTEMPT, WHEREAS A CONTEMPORARY DANCE PIECE WOULD MAYBE PLEASE THE MARKET. FUCK CONTEMPORARY DANCE, IT´S 2020 WE’VE HAD ENOUGH, THIS IS THE TIME TO SPEAK UP! AGAINST EMOTIONAL TORMENT, AGAINST THE WHITE SUPREMACIST HETERO CIS SEXIST CAPITALIST PATRIARCHY AND AGAINST FUCKING CONTEMPORARY DANCE!

this text birthed itself for A SHAMELESS DANCE OF YOUR THROAT ~ ARTIST TALK WITH ANTONELLA FITTIPALDI, VALA T. FOLTYN, tim faraus and myself JUNO 2020. you can find the recording of the discussion right here: